Prolonged Adolescence

After my last post regarding Grant Hackett, you'd think that using Olympic swimmers to highlight psychological and behavioural issues for men would be a rarity.  Unfortunately, no.  This week, two high profile Olympic swimmers known for their lapses in judgement chose not only to be photographed with high-powered guns in an American weapons shop.  The photo was then posted on Facebook, and subsequently went viral (pic is below).  

As a background, Kenrick Monk (on the right) had previously come out in the media claiming to have been deliberately hit by a car while riding his bike, launching a police investigation.  Ultimately, it emerged that he made that up and had actually fallen off his skateboard and lied (quite badly) to cover up his involvement in an activity he shouldn't have been participating in.  Much more seriously, D'Arcy horrifically assaulted a former swimmer, Simon Cowley, in a nightclub.  He received a suspended jail sentence, and was found to be civilly liable to pay damages to Cowley, but then declared bankruptcy soon after.

The behaviour of these young men illustrates a couple of issues that face males in the late teens/early 20's today: firstly the emergence of a new life stage for young men somewhere between adolescence and adulthood; and secondly, the development of a skill called consequential thinking.

Taking the first point, in Australia, the legal age when you are considered an adult is 18, but I often see men all the way into their mid-20s who say that they still feel at least somewhat like kids, with behaviours to match.  So although the legal age says 18, when adolescence ends and adulthood actually begins is much less clear cut.  Kenrick Monk looks and sounds like a man, but he lies and acts like a teenager (or, arguably, a child).  One of the major changes that is pushing adolescence upwards is the involvement of parents in managing their children's interactions/conflicts with their world, thereby limiting the child's ability to establish self-determination and autonomy, and importantly learn from the consequences of their mistakes.  Nick D'Arcy had a history of assault prior to his attack on Simon Cowley, but it would seem his father, a prominent surgeon, had a history of mitigating consequences faced by his son.  By offering restitution to his former victims, he was undoubtedly doing what most fathers would seek to do - protect his child.  However, misguided attempts to manage these situations (while Nick D'Arcy displayed a propensity for extreme violence in the face of minimal provocation) via stop-gap, short-term measures usually leads to more serious long-term issues. 

Therapeutically, the ability to develop skills in considering and weighing up consequences (i.e., consequential thinking) of behaviour in the moment is the task at hand for these young men, and many young men like them who present for therapy with these sorts of issues.  But this is easier said than done.  We are a society that seems to encourage emotional and behavioural reactivity (ever heard, "if it feels good do it"?) at the expense of a considered response.  Dealing with relatively low frequency behaviours such as violent assault which may happen, at least in D'Arcy's case, every 6 to 12 months, and particularly when under the influence of drugs and alcohol is a tough ask.  Additionally, the issue is sometimes not be a skill-based deficit, but a characterological problem that skill-based therapy cannot assist with (i.e, part of an emerging personality disorder).  

It will be interesting to see how D'Arcy and Monk handle themselves over the next few months when the Olympics will be front and centre in the sports-mad Australian mind.  Will they reveal themselves to be boys again, instead of men?  Behaviour usually reveals itself in patterns, and problematic behaviour often takes a long time to change.  It's no accident that these two boy/men ended up participating  in an ill-considered photo that leaves that their status as "adults" pending.  

Domestic Violence

Grant Hackett has become the public face of  domestic violence over the past few weeks following the  unfortunate release of photos taken following what can only be described as his rampage through his luxury home late last year.  From the outside it seemed that he had the perfect life - lauded Olympic athlete, wholesome face of a variety of high profile products, pop star wife, beautiful twins.  But you hold up a magnifying glass to anything that is seemingly perfect and you'll see cracks, imperfections that have the potential to break under pressure.  Hackett's situation isn't particularly novel - it is played out in homes (and subsequently courtrooms) across this country (and probably every country) every day.  What is shocking about this situation is that Hackett's very public image was completely different from what was happening inside his home, and it brings domestic violence front and centre in the public's attention, at least for a moment.

I have seen many men in my practice who are violent in their romantic relationships.  Seeking to judge their behaviour in terms of good/bad, right/wrong, or portraying them as perpetrator against victim is incredibly lazy and will not get you any traction in moving them to critically examine their behaviour (a mistake sometimes made by female counsellors).  What is needed in the case of Hackett rather than the current media portrayal of him as a demon is rigorous analysis of his psychological development and belief system.

I often ask male clients this question, "What does it mean to be an adult?"  And I'd be interested to hear what answer Hackett would come up with to this question.  He had a wife, two young children, gainful employment, a successful athletics career - to the outsider he had everything that many people would use to define being an adult male.  But, if you believe the media coverage (which is probably questionable) he also had some issues with alcohol, binge spending, and some difficulty appropriately managing his behavioural responses to anger.  Where did Hackett learn to behave in this way?  Does the being an Olympic hero in a country that lauds athletic prowess seek to keep you in some sort of perpetual adolescence where you think that you can get away with anything and be forgiven?  Often the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and Hackett's father's reaction seems telling indicating a shocking lack of empathy for his daughter-in-law and grandchildren.  Neville Hackett was quoted as saying,  "He may have wrecked the joint but he didn't harm anyone... The kids did not witness the outburst.  And Candice (Hackett's wife) wasn't there for 90 percent of it."  In trying to protect his son, Mr Hackett has unwittingly become complicit in the abuse, because being present for even 10% of the "outburst" would have been terrifying for Mrs Hackett, and violence, at least in my experience, never occurs in isolation.  And does he think that his children can be forever protected from the media coverage of that night?  In their minds, at some point they will understand that Daddy can get angry and violent.


I have great empathy for Grant Hackett because it appears he has a serious problem and I hope he is getting some support in dealing with it.  He is someone's father and husband, and if he didn't get his act together before becoming those things, it is time to do that now, while he's in the eye of the storm.  As I have written before, too many children grow up in fatherless families for whatever reason.  I hope Hackett doesn't join that crowd.

Any relationship where one partner seeks to have power and control over another is destructive to all concerned.  Public demonisation of Hackett doesn't advance the cause of anti-domestic violence movement.  Only empathy and understanding of his demons will.

Male Body Image

I'm continually fascinated by transformation of the "health" industry over the last decade and how body health has been marketed to men.  At some point, advertisers seem to have run out of ways to manipulate women into feeling bad about themselves and turned their attention to a whole new market - men.  What is actually more surprising/disturbing is that men have embraced marketers attempts to make them feel bad about their bodies, leading to an explosion in the men's market for beauty products, health supplements, and health clubs (i.e., gyms).

Now this is all fine until the pursuit of perfection (defined muscles, ripped abs, minimal body fat) leads to unhealthy behaviour in the form of obsessive control over food and liquid intake, excessive exercise and gym attendance, and reduced social interactions and general enjoyment for fear of upsetting a punishing regime that is aimed at striving for perfection.  Once upon a time body image concerns were almost the exclusive domain of females (and some gay men) however these concerns have gone mainstream with more and more men presenting for therapy with issues around what's clinically referred to as Body Dysmorphia.  This disorder has many symptoms, but generally speaking, is basically an obsessive concern with appearance much as I have described.

Note to all men... you know those guys you see on the cover of "health" magazines like Men's Health or Men's Fitness (or a dozen others that seem to have popped up in the last little while).  Yes, their bodies may be real (emphasis on the "may"), but they aren't normal.  It is not actually normal to look this way and have a balanced, healthy life.  And more pertinently even these guys in the pictures have their own desperate insecurities about their bodies.  Case in point, I came across an article about a guy called David Gandy who apparently is a very famous male model (pic below).

Now you think this guy who has basically achieved the physical ideal that is being sold to Western men, and would be satisfied and completely at ease with how he looks.  Um, think again.  In this article, Mr Gandy says, "I'm very self-critical: I hate my hair, my lips, my nose. And I can't grow a full beard. People assume I think more of myself than I actually do". 


The take home for all men:  going to the gym is fine; eating healthy is great; taking pride in your appearance demonstrates that you care about yourself.  But the real payoff is when you accept the limits of your body and put as much work into your internal as well as your external self.  

What's a Dad?

I live in a high rise apartment with my family, and we look over onto an office building that I think is some sort of financial institution.  When I sit down to have dinner with my family at night, I often see a guy sitting at his computer still working.  When I wake up and sit down to have breakfast with my family I often see the same guy sitting there, still working.  It makes me think, "Does this man ever go home???"  Now I don't know him or what his family situation is, and I'm not interested in judging his choices, but it makes me think about an issue that constantly comes up in my therapeutic work with men (and women) - father absence.

When I write "absence" that doesn't necessarily mean that the guy had left the family, maybe he lived in the same house, but he was always at work, or "out with the boys", and when he was around he was drinking beer or watching sport, or maybe he was just tired, or stressed.  Certainly, recent research released by the AIFS indicates that a over one-third of 10 and 11-year-olds surveyed think their fathers worked too much, and this affected the family dynamics.  How, isn't quantified in the research, but given my experience of how father absence plays out in therapy, I can offer some anecdotal clinical evidence on the impacts of father absence.  Certainly for young men who are trying to find a way to define themselves in a fast and confusing world, themes around what it means to be a man, healthy identity development, pro-social values, what constitutes healthy and respectful interaction with peers, and healthy sexual identity aren't usually resolved in a satisfactory manner.  When father's are absent, today's adolescents and young adults moral compasses are being directed by Twitter or Facebook, or they learn about sex from pornography.  If I had a $1 for every time I heard a story about someone being bullied, or being the recipient of bullying on Facebook, or thought that male/female relations in porn were somehow realistic, I could retire now.

I knew a guy who became involved with a woman who was pregnant (with another man's child), whom he subsequently adopted and raised as his own (the other guy wasn't involved).  He clearly distinguished between himself as the "Dad" and the biological father as the "Donor", which I think is probably the best differentiation I can think of for what it means to really be a Dad.  The 2012 version of "Dad" means someone who seeks to be  present, connected, and cares for, plays with, and communicates with their kid, at any age.  This guy was an involved Dad even though he worked long hours and had a demanding job.  It stuns me that with so many obvious benefits for the children of all ages, the media still sometimes treat "involved" Dads as freaks.  Take for instance the recent widespread reporting around the actor James Stewart, who had chosen to be a stay-at-home-Dad while his fiance, Jessica Marais returned to work.  I doubt this would have been a story if Jessica had given up work to stay at home while James returned to work.  In my thinking, this guy is doing what all Dads should do - take some time off to care for their child after birth, not just hand it over and go back to work, thinking that as a default, it's your job to earn the money.  Take Sweden for example, where 85% of new Dads take paternity leave.  Start as you mean to go on, that's what I say.

So a call to absent fathers/donors, it's not too late to sit down and spend some time getting to know your kids.  I've probably sat with them and guess what, they are pretty awesome. 

Men of Honour

I am always on the lookout for new resources that say something meaningful about the state of men in Australia today, that inspire me to do better in my own life, and that I can refer friends/colleagues/clients to if they want further reading.  I'm not talking about high minded theoretical texts, but practical resources that speak in plain, simple language that is accessible for everyone.  Quite by accident while browsing at a local bookshop, I have come across this amazing new book by someone called Glen Gerreyn, called "Men of Honour".

I had never heard of this guy before, but after doing some light research, I've learned that this guy is a powerhouse of insight, compassion, and hope for young people, but particularly young men.

An issue that continually comes up in my therapy conversations with young men is, "What does it mean to be a man?"  There is some research out there (that Glen quotes) that young men are raised by social media rather than fathers, who have left the family, or spend most of their time working.  I often wonder whether a lot of fathers realise that the word "parent" is regularly used as both a verb and a noun.  As a result, a lot of young men have no idea what constitutes healthy masculinity because their fathers aren't talking to them about it, and when you're being raised by Facebook, you're in trouble.  When I pose "the man question" to my male clients often they respond with blank stares or throw out some ill-conceived ideas about excessive alcohol consumption, emotional restriction, casual sex, or easy provocation to violence.

To stimulate their thinking on the process, I often give my clients a list of "alternatives" for healthy masculinity which read something like this:

• A man is responsible and accountable for his actions
• A man exercises authority... over himself
• A man is concerned about personal growth
• A man is grounded and demonstrates stability
• A man receives and gives respect
• A man serves his community
• A man strives to overcomes hardships through working on himself and reaching out to others
• A man's family and friends are at the core of his life
• A man has strong pro-social values

This list is a starting point in a much larger discussion of what it means to be a man, but ultimately the aim is to develop some reflection around what your day-to-day behaviour says about your beliefs about what it means to be a man in 2012.  This isn't rocket science, but over time I've found that what might seem like the most obvious interventions are often the most powerful.  Add and subtract from this list as you like...

Oh, and I encourage you to Youtube Glen Gerreyn to watch him in action - he's a force of nature, but young people could use that at a time where apathy seems to reign.

Good Therapy

It's somewhat ironic that my first post for this blog, that was ostensibly created to talk about men and their experience in therapy, is about a woman.  A thing I often get asked by clients at the beginning of therapy goes something along the lines of, "How will this change me?" or "What am I going to get out of this?", which is a question that is pretty tough to answer at the beginning of what may be a long process.  I understand the need for some tangible indication of what is sometimes a complex process where intangibles rules.  I usually struggle to put something out there which is nowhere near the reality of how good therapy can transform someone's life, but that will keep someone engaged and intrigued enough to come back, when its probably easy not too.

Anyway, this leads me to an article I came across when I was leafing through the M magazine in the Sunday Age (where most of the articles usually have the depth of a Kim Kardashian reality show) about a singer/musician called Clare Bowditch (read the article here).  The way Clare Bowditch articulates beliefs and values about her place in the world struck me as sounding very much like the end product of a long process of good therapy.  It also encapsulates a lot of things that I have attempted, and continue to attempt, to instill in my clients over a long process of the therapy relationship.  From reading the article it would seem that Clare has had her fair share of traumas (e.g., the early death of her sister) and a dose of good therapy along the way.

Among the themes that she raises in the article, here are 4 great "take homes" for everyone:

• Cultivate an attitude of kindness to yourself (yeah, yeah... easier said than done) - the more we beat ourselves up, the more we condition our brains to do so in the future.  How do you do this?  Start with small acts of kindness towards others
• No-one has all the answers, and there are no quick fixes (or as I like to call them "magic bullets") for mental health problems, but taking joy in small everyday things as a positive means of coping can be a "shortcut to joy".
• Chasing a place of "no pain" is a fantasy; the myth of contentment being right round the corner in a new job, partner, city, etc, is just that... a myth. (Clare says that her therapist called this realisation, "a nervous breakthrough" to coin a line from Carrie Fisher).
• Perfection is elusive.  People are so scared of being "good enough" that they keep their potential hidden  away in banality and safety.  Clare says (and I love this), "No one tells you that when you start something, you'll be shit at it for a while."  So, allow yourself to be really shit - shit doesn't actually stay shit forever.  "The trick," she says, "is to keep on creating."

While these points were raised by a woman, they have a lot of relevance in the lives of men, and in the issues they bring to therapy.  Men aren't socialised to be kind, certainly not to each other, and as a result, not to themselves.  Men often come to therapy with a quick fix mentality, and when they don't get it, they might attempt to dismiss the process and go back to drugs/alcohol/violence/gambling (pick your dysfunctional coping strategy).  Magic bullets, don't exist.  Issues that bring someone to therapy don't usually pop up out of nowhere, they have been festering for years or decades, it may take a good while to deal with them.  Sometimes, men often don't know what they are feeling, or if perceive they are feeling something, they will do their best to avoid feeling it (using previously dysfunctional coping strategies).  I always tell clients - you can't help what you feel, but its good to give those feelings a name.  You do have control (for the most part) over how you behave.  No-one is perfect.  I always say, "If you look at anyone up close, there is imperfections or damage."  If someone is presenting themselves as perfect, they are bullshitting you and themselves.

This blog is not the final word on all things male and therapy.  It might even be shit. But as Clare Bowditch would say I'm going to keep on creating and we'll see what happens.