Be Here Now

In the modern world where everyone seems to be time poor, trying to get a million things accomplished in what seems like less and less time, being "in the moment" is increasingly difficult.  When clients come to therapy often they are spending a large percentage of their time remonstrating about the past, or worrying excessively about the future.  Spending most of your time doing one or both of these things, leads you to miss what is going on right before your very eyes, something called "the present moment".  Ever heard of it?

There's a large and growing movement in psychological treatment in favour something called "Mindfulness".  When trying to explain mindfulness to clients, I sometimes struggle.  A definition for mindfulness is "the capacity to maintain (for whatever period of time) nonjudgmental attentiveness to the present moment."  This explanation is often greeted by blank looks because it can be heard as a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo.  Who are the best example of mindfulness - young children... they are caught up in whatever is going on in the moment without worrying too much about what happened 5 minutes ago, and what is going to happen 5 minutes in the future.  They can be crying inconsolably one minute, and totally fine the next... they accept the present moment for what it is without being caught up in past and future.  Of course it is impossible for an adult to life in this manner with so many competing priorities, however when physiological arousal seeks to overwhelm us, the practice of brief mindfulness techniques bringing us into the present moment can be very stabilising and healing for most people.

This is a relatively simple mindfulness exercise, and one that you can do at any point throughout the day.  When last did you stop and listen to the sound of your own breath?  It happens every minute of every day but we rarely pay attention to it.  For 60 seconds your task is to focus all your attention on your breathing. It’s just for one minute, but it can seem like an eternity. Your eyes can be closed or open, but your task is to breathe normally. Be ready to catch your mind from wandering off (because it will) and return your attention to your breath whenever it does so.  This mindfulness exercise is far more powerful than most people give it credit for.  It takes some people a long time before they are able to complete a single minute of alert, clear attention.

The ability to be present, and fully appreciate the wonder of our lives can often come to us most strongly when our lives are in danger, and we realise the time-limited nature of our journey.  Recently, the death of a young actor called Andy Whitfield (pictured above with his family) was reported in the media.  Andy was the star of a TV show called, "Spartacus: Blood and Sand", but he was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma after the completion of the first season.  The process of his treatment has been captured in a yet-to-be-released documentary called, "Be Here Now".  While watching the trailor, I was struck by the remarkable way in which Andy Whitfield speaks about his illness and I was moved by his calmness and courage, and his determination not only to live, but to live in the moment.  This man had a lot of live for, and in every way that society defines it, he was a success.  From my limited knowledge of him, his time was used well.  Life is time-limited and we waste a lot of time ruminating on the past or contemplating possible future events.  Be Here Now.  I hope this film gets a great deal of attention that it thoroughly deserves.  I couldn't think of a more wonderful message.  

Gratitude

As a Psychologist who commonly works with clients, but especially men, who experience a range of difficulties (e.g, emotional, behavioural, social, and substance abuse/addiction), I am continually struck by how unhelpful thinking patterns developed over years of traumatic interaction with their personal worlds contribute to their ongoing difficulties.  Over time, these guys have developed self-destructive ways of thinking about themselves, others, and the world that make change very tough for them.  Sometimes I say to clients, "How would it be to consider that everything you think you know about yourself and the world is ultimately quite unhelpful to getting to where you want to be, or just plain wrong?"  Often this is a starting point for opening out one's thinking to consider other perspectives, and create some wriggle room for cognitive (and behavioural) change.

I am a big advocate of something called gratitude.  Heard of it?  Basically, gratitude is a feeling or attitude of thankfulness, gratefulness, or appreciation that one has received or will receive.  Some research that has emanated from the positive psychology movement has shown that people who express gratitude regularly find themselves more optimistic.  Therefore, the deliberate practice of expressing thankfulness to others, or reflecting on things in your life you are grateful for, can open up a world of possibilities, rather than a focus on the negative.  So using this notion as a jumping-off point, it is often useful to develop in conversation with male clients, ideas about what they are grateful for in their lives, and how they are communicating that not only to those who are closest to them, but also to themselves.  They can articulate gratitude about people, traits, situations, experiences, anything at all.  For example, I am grateful about being able to do work that I love, that clients will give me an hour of their time every week, and open the door of their lives a little and show me around.  This is a privilege.


Gratitude hit prime time in last few months on the very popular singing competition, The Voice, in the form of one of the contestants, Darren Percival.  Percival is a 40 year old singer who has been trying to kickstart his career for the best part of two decades while being met with obstacles to major success at every turn.  The thing that struck me about his time in the national spotlight of The Voice was how appreciative he was for not only doing something he seemed to truly get joy from, but being able to do it for a large audience who not only appreciated his immense talent, but responded with admiration and adoration, taking him right down to the last two contestants.

The lesson here, is that when you express gratitude for the things in your life that you love and are thankful for, you are much more gentle with yourself.  Additionally, people respond in kind, and your life (and the lives of those around you) become much richer for it.  Try it for a week, and see what happens.

Prolonged Adolescence

After my last post regarding Grant Hackett, you'd think that using Olympic swimmers to highlight psychological and behavioural issues for men would be a rarity.  Unfortunately, no.  This week, two high profile Olympic swimmers known for their lapses in judgement chose not only to be photographed with high-powered guns in an American weapons shop.  The photo was then posted on Facebook, and subsequently went viral (pic is below).  

As a background, Kenrick Monk (on the right) had previously come out in the media claiming to have been deliberately hit by a car while riding his bike, launching a police investigation.  Ultimately, it emerged that he made that up and had actually fallen off his skateboard and lied (quite badly) to cover up his involvement in an activity he shouldn't have been participating in.  Much more seriously, D'Arcy horrifically assaulted a former swimmer, Simon Cowley, in a nightclub.  He received a suspended jail sentence, and was found to be civilly liable to pay damages to Cowley, but then declared bankruptcy soon after.

The behaviour of these young men illustrates a couple of issues that face males in the late teens/early 20's today: firstly the emergence of a new life stage for young men somewhere between adolescence and adulthood; and secondly, the development of a skill called consequential thinking.

Taking the first point, in Australia, the legal age when you are considered an adult is 18, but I often see men all the way into their mid-20s who say that they still feel at least somewhat like kids, with behaviours to match.  So although the legal age says 18, when adolescence ends and adulthood actually begins is much less clear cut.  Kenrick Monk looks and sounds like a man, but he lies and acts like a teenager (or, arguably, a child).  One of the major changes that is pushing adolescence upwards is the involvement of parents in managing their children's interactions/conflicts with their world, thereby limiting the child's ability to establish self-determination and autonomy, and importantly learn from the consequences of their mistakes.  Nick D'Arcy had a history of assault prior to his attack on Simon Cowley, but it would seem his father, a prominent surgeon, had a history of mitigating consequences faced by his son.  By offering restitution to his former victims, he was undoubtedly doing what most fathers would seek to do - protect his child.  However, misguided attempts to manage these situations (while Nick D'Arcy displayed a propensity for extreme violence in the face of minimal provocation) via stop-gap, short-term measures usually leads to more serious long-term issues. 

Therapeutically, the ability to develop skills in considering and weighing up consequences (i.e., consequential thinking) of behaviour in the moment is the task at hand for these young men, and many young men like them who present for therapy with these sorts of issues.  But this is easier said than done.  We are a society that seems to encourage emotional and behavioural reactivity (ever heard, "if it feels good do it"?) at the expense of a considered response.  Dealing with relatively low frequency behaviours such as violent assault which may happen, at least in D'Arcy's case, every 6 to 12 months, and particularly when under the influence of drugs and alcohol is a tough ask.  Additionally, the issue is sometimes not be a skill-based deficit, but a characterological problem that skill-based therapy cannot assist with (i.e, part of an emerging personality disorder).  

It will be interesting to see how D'Arcy and Monk handle themselves over the next few months when the Olympics will be front and centre in the sports-mad Australian mind.  Will they reveal themselves to be boys again, instead of men?  Behaviour usually reveals itself in patterns, and problematic behaviour often takes a long time to change.  It's no accident that these two boy/men ended up participating  in an ill-considered photo that leaves that their status as "adults" pending.  

Domestic Violence

Grant Hackett has become the public face of  domestic violence over the past few weeks following the  unfortunate release of photos taken following what can only be described as his rampage through his luxury home late last year.  From the outside it seemed that he had the perfect life - lauded Olympic athlete, wholesome face of a variety of high profile products, pop star wife, beautiful twins.  But you hold up a magnifying glass to anything that is seemingly perfect and you'll see cracks, imperfections that have the potential to break under pressure.  Hackett's situation isn't particularly novel - it is played out in homes (and subsequently courtrooms) across this country (and probably every country) every day.  What is shocking about this situation is that Hackett's very public image was completely different from what was happening inside his home, and it brings domestic violence front and centre in the public's attention, at least for a moment.

I have seen many men in my practice who are violent in their romantic relationships.  Seeking to judge their behaviour in terms of good/bad, right/wrong, or portraying them as perpetrator against victim is incredibly lazy and will not get you any traction in moving them to critically examine their behaviour (a mistake sometimes made by female counsellors).  What is needed in the case of Hackett rather than the current media portrayal of him as a demon is rigorous analysis of his psychological development and belief system.

I often ask male clients this question, "What does it mean to be an adult?"  And I'd be interested to hear what answer Hackett would come up with to this question.  He had a wife, two young children, gainful employment, a successful athletics career - to the outsider he had everything that many people would use to define being an adult male.  But, if you believe the media coverage (which is probably questionable) he also had some issues with alcohol, binge spending, and some difficulty appropriately managing his behavioural responses to anger.  Where did Hackett learn to behave in this way?  Does the being an Olympic hero in a country that lauds athletic prowess seek to keep you in some sort of perpetual adolescence where you think that you can get away with anything and be forgiven?  Often the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and Hackett's father's reaction seems telling indicating a shocking lack of empathy for his daughter-in-law and grandchildren.  Neville Hackett was quoted as saying,  "He may have wrecked the joint but he didn't harm anyone... The kids did not witness the outburst.  And Candice (Hackett's wife) wasn't there for 90 percent of it."  In trying to protect his son, Mr Hackett has unwittingly become complicit in the abuse, because being present for even 10% of the "outburst" would have been terrifying for Mrs Hackett, and violence, at least in my experience, never occurs in isolation.  And does he think that his children can be forever protected from the media coverage of that night?  In their minds, at some point they will understand that Daddy can get angry and violent.


I have great empathy for Grant Hackett because it appears he has a serious problem and I hope he is getting some support in dealing with it.  He is someone's father and husband, and if he didn't get his act together before becoming those things, it is time to do that now, while he's in the eye of the storm.  As I have written before, too many children grow up in fatherless families for whatever reason.  I hope Hackett doesn't join that crowd.

Any relationship where one partner seeks to have power and control over another is destructive to all concerned.  Public demonisation of Hackett doesn't advance the cause of anti-domestic violence movement.  Only empathy and understanding of his demons will.