I live in a high rise apartment with my family, and we look over onto an office building that I think is some sort of financial institution. When I sit down to have dinner with my family at night, I often see a guy sitting at his computer still working. When I wake up and sit down to have breakfast with my family I often see the same guy sitting there, still working. It makes me think, "Does this man ever go home???" Now I don't know him or what his family situation is, and I'm not interested in judging his choices, but it makes me think about an issue that constantly comes up in my therapeutic work with men (and women) - father absence.
When I write "absence" that doesn't necessarily mean that the guy had left the family, maybe he lived in the same house, but he was always at work, or "out with the boys", and when he was around he was drinking beer or watching sport, or maybe he was just tired, or stressed. Certainly, recent research released by the AIFS indicates that a over one-third of 10 and 11-year-olds surveyed think their fathers worked too much, and this affected the family dynamics. How, isn't quantified in the research, but given my experience of how father absence plays out in therapy, I can offer some anecdotal clinical evidence on the impacts of father absence. Certainly for young men who are trying to find a way to define themselves in a fast and confusing world, themes around what it means to be a man, healthy identity development, pro-social values, what constitutes healthy and respectful interaction with peers, and healthy sexual identity aren't usually resolved in a satisfactory manner. When father's are absent, today's adolescents and young adults moral compasses are being directed by Twitter or Facebook, or they learn about sex from pornography. If I had a $1 for every time I heard a story about someone being bullied, or being the recipient of bullying on Facebook, or thought that male/female relations in porn were somehow realistic, I could retire now.
I knew a guy who became involved with a woman who was pregnant (with another man's child), whom he subsequently adopted and raised as his own (the other guy wasn't involved). He clearly distinguished between himself as the "Dad" and the biological father as the "Donor", which I think is probably the best differentiation I can think of for what it means to really be a Dad. The 2012 version of "Dad" means someone who seeks to be present, connected, and cares for, plays with, and communicates with their kid, at any age. This guy was an involved Dad even though he worked long hours and had a demanding job. It stuns me that with so many obvious benefits for the children of all ages, the media still sometimes treat "involved" Dads as freaks. Take for instance the recent widespread reporting around the actor James Stewart, who had chosen to be a stay-at-home-Dad while his fiance, Jessica Marais returned to work. I doubt this would have been a story if Jessica had given up work to stay at home while James returned to work. In my thinking, this guy is doing what all Dads should do - take some time off to care for their child after birth, not just hand it over and go back to work, thinking that as a default, it's your job to earn the money. Take Sweden for example, where 85% of new Dads take paternity leave. Start as you mean to go on, that's what I say.
So a call to absent fathers/donors, it's not too late to sit down and spend some time getting to know your kids. I've probably sat with them and guess what, they are pretty awesome.
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