Good Therapy

It's somewhat ironic that my first post for this blog, that was ostensibly created to talk about men and their experience in therapy, is about a woman.  A thing I often get asked by clients at the beginning of therapy goes something along the lines of, "How will this change me?" or "What am I going to get out of this?", which is a question that is pretty tough to answer at the beginning of what may be a long process.  I understand the need for some tangible indication of what is sometimes a complex process where intangibles rules.  I usually struggle to put something out there which is nowhere near the reality of how good therapy can transform someone's life, but that will keep someone engaged and intrigued enough to come back, when its probably easy not too.

Anyway, this leads me to an article I came across when I was leafing through the M magazine in the Sunday Age (where most of the articles usually have the depth of a Kim Kardashian reality show) about a singer/musician called Clare Bowditch (read the article here).  The way Clare Bowditch articulates beliefs and values about her place in the world struck me as sounding very much like the end product of a long process of good therapy.  It also encapsulates a lot of things that I have attempted, and continue to attempt, to instill in my clients over a long process of the therapy relationship.  From reading the article it would seem that Clare has had her fair share of traumas (e.g., the early death of her sister) and a dose of good therapy along the way.

Among the themes that she raises in the article, here are 4 great "take homes" for everyone:

• Cultivate an attitude of kindness to yourself (yeah, yeah... easier said than done) - the more we beat ourselves up, the more we condition our brains to do so in the future.  How do you do this?  Start with small acts of kindness towards others
• No-one has all the answers, and there are no quick fixes (or as I like to call them "magic bullets") for mental health problems, but taking joy in small everyday things as a positive means of coping can be a "shortcut to joy".
• Chasing a place of "no pain" is a fantasy; the myth of contentment being right round the corner in a new job, partner, city, etc, is just that... a myth. (Clare says that her therapist called this realisation, "a nervous breakthrough" to coin a line from Carrie Fisher).
• Perfection is elusive.  People are so scared of being "good enough" that they keep their potential hidden  away in banality and safety.  Clare says (and I love this), "No one tells you that when you start something, you'll be shit at it for a while."  So, allow yourself to be really shit - shit doesn't actually stay shit forever.  "The trick," she says, "is to keep on creating."

While these points were raised by a woman, they have a lot of relevance in the lives of men, and in the issues they bring to therapy.  Men aren't socialised to be kind, certainly not to each other, and as a result, not to themselves.  Men often come to therapy with a quick fix mentality, and when they don't get it, they might attempt to dismiss the process and go back to drugs/alcohol/violence/gambling (pick your dysfunctional coping strategy).  Magic bullets, don't exist.  Issues that bring someone to therapy don't usually pop up out of nowhere, they have been festering for years or decades, it may take a good while to deal with them.  Sometimes, men often don't know what they are feeling, or if perceive they are feeling something, they will do their best to avoid feeling it (using previously dysfunctional coping strategies).  I always tell clients - you can't help what you feel, but its good to give those feelings a name.  You do have control (for the most part) over how you behave.  No-one is perfect.  I always say, "If you look at anyone up close, there is imperfections or damage."  If someone is presenting themselves as perfect, they are bullshitting you and themselves.

This blog is not the final word on all things male and therapy.  It might even be shit. But as Clare Bowditch would say I'm going to keep on creating and we'll see what happens.