Personal Responsibility

There is movement in the psychology of men that proposes that men are at a crossroads in terms of their roles in society, that their is great confusion about what being a man actually means today given the gains that women have made in terms of equality, particularly in the workforce and salary.  In other words, if women are equal economically, educationally, and intellectually, what actually makes a man, a man?  What does this mean for men in their relationships and daily lives?

In my practice I see a lot of men, particularly men in their 20s and 30s, who present with this confusion, and to be quite frank, whose reaction to this confusion is to develop a hatred of women.  And when I write "hate" I mean that they don't understand women, what women want, who women are, and what it means for their them and their relationships with women.  This manifests itself in demeaning language and sexist jibes in a therapy conversation, and in their relationships usually it will play out as emotional and physical violence, because in these men's minds where men and women are equal in most every way, the only place men can usually still dominate is physically.

In a therapy session, I am never interested in judging a man for his choices in how he interacts with his partner or the significant women in his life.  As I've written before, judgments of behaviour give you no therapeutic traction.  Understanding is the key - an understanding of a man's behaviour, of his agenda, and what his behaviour demonstrates about his belief system, and how his choices are going to affect his relationship with his partner, his family, his children, and his friends.

When you frame all behaviour as a choice, and I would argue that in 99 out of 100 cases, it is a clear choice, the responsibility falls firmly in the lap of the man.  I am a big advocate of personal responsibility and believe that if there is one thing that truly makes a man, "a man", it is the ability to own and take responsibility for behaviour.  When you hear a man say things like, "She made me" or "She pushed me" you know straight off that this guy has placed the responsibility for his behaviour onto his partner, and probably in many areas of his life (e.g., work, friends) he does this to varying degrees.  I would argue that in many situations there is little validity in saying someone "made you" do something, unless you are under extreme physically coercion.  I always say to my clients something to the effect of, "You can't always help what you feel, but you can help what you do about those feelings."  If you have some sort of cognitive impairment, I might let you off the hook, but that's about it.

Gender relations are evolving constantly, and this is no easy answer.  Sure, there is no denying men and women are different in many essential ways, but last time I looked we had more in common that we had in differences.  Aren't we all still humans after all?  Men aren't from Mars, and Women aren't from Venus, we're all from Planet Earth.  I always think that learning how to talk to each other about what's going on with an open mind and heart, and a healthy dose of humour is a great place to start.  Dismissing or belittling men's or women's concerns about their place in the world is a sure fire way of creating conflict and a lazy way of thinking about an issue that affects us all.