Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Real Men Cry

I'm constantly fascinated by society and media reaction to men who cry in public, particularly when the behaviour leads to widespread condemnation.

While there are different types of tears, physiologically crying is usually brought on by strong emotionally reactions (e.g., anger, sadness), emotional stress, suffering or intense physical pain (of course, crying is not limited to "negative emotions"; many people cry when very happy).


The socialisation of men starts early.  Parents, immediate family, and society in general directly or indirectly communicate messages about what constitutes appropriate male behaviour.  I remember being at a childcare centre waiting for the lift when a young boy (aged about 3) started to cry as he knew his father would soon be leaving.  His father's response was to pull the clinging young boy away from him and say something to the effect of, "Boys don't cry."  His father's response surprised me as: a) it isn't 1953, and b) the man seemed to have no understanding that a young child doesn't have the verbal abilities to articulate distress - they often do that through crying; and the young boy doesn't yet have the cognitive abilities to mask his distress the way his father had clearly developed.  


While there is no doubt that over time there has been somewhat of a softening towards male crying in public, a blanket "ban" on it seems to have been replaced by a prescriptive list of conditions that are acceptable whereby a man can shed tears and retain his status as "manly" (whatever that means).  Just googling the subject, I managed to access extensive lists of when a man can cry in response to intense emotion (e.g., the birth of his child or death of a close loved one), or physical pain (e.g., if he just broke his arm).  However, the existence of such lists and the listing of circumstances where it isn't "okay" to cry (e.g., if a man is scared or just really sad) clearly demonstrated that men who cry under such unacceptable circumstances are really still "unmanly".


A crying man hit the headlines again in recent weeks when Andy Murray lost the final of the Wimbledon Men's Singles to another frequent crier, Roger Federer.  In the post-match trophy presentation, Murray cried a bit.  The interesting part of this is that the crying got more media attention than the actual match.  Opinion was divided - was Andy Murray being "unmanly" because he was crying about losing a winnable match, or was the crying an acceptable response to the immense stress placed him by a success-hungry British tennis public?  


The coverage of the Murray's crying and the setting up lists of conditions under which men can acceptably cry clearly indicates that there are large section of society that is still not really alright with the image a man shedding tears under many circumstances.


So, how far have we come since 1953?  My take on this, to be quite frank, is that it is unhealthy.  When a boy is taught that it is inappropriate to genuinely experience and express emotions or emotional distress, he inevitably becomes a man who cannot do this.  Surely, a higher risk of a range of mental and physical health problems can only follow.  So while one may think that perpetuating a ridiculous cultural construct is harmless and debating the acceptable nature of men's crying is a bit of fun, consider that little boy by the lift at the childcare centre and the spoken and unspoken lessons we pass on to our children, and how that may affect them in the long term.

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